Author: Katie Fustich

❤️

Dear Torby,

When you first got sick, I was admittedly devastated. There’s a reason people call cancer “the c word” — it’s difficult to even admit it’s real. At the same time, I knew I was ready to fight the cancer with everything I had — financially, spiritually, temporally, and so on.

You know as well as anyone that, when confronted with a task, I will begin plotting and planning until an airtight schedule has been formed. Your cancer was no exception. I leapt into action overnight, doing whatever was necessary to get your chemotherapy appointments scheduled as quickly as possible. Suddenly, all concerns for the appearances of desperation were dissolved. I will send an apologetic fruit basket when I need to reschedule a dentist appointment, but my spine was firmly in tact when it came to handling your care.

Early on a Monday morning, I sat ready with my Filofax planner and a pen. The veterinary hospital was on the phone, and they were rattling off weekly dates and times for your treatments. I scribbled them down, not minding the pre-existing meetings and commitments that would just have to be cancelled.

Now, each Monday I crack open my planner to examine the days ahead. First thing each Monday, is “Torby Chemo” in pink pen. In mid-February, I triumphantly wrote “week off!!” to celebrate the break you were to have from the weekly treatments. You didn’t make it to any of those appointments, after all. You didn’t get to enjoy your week off, either.

I could cross out these reminders, I guess. Neatly roll out a line of white-out tape over the sessions that never were. Instead, I’ve kept these appointments in place, adding notes next to them. At the start of a week, when I see this reminder, I take my pen and write a note to you, reminding you how much I love you. Reminding myself of the joy. “Torby forever! And ever!” “My sweet girl, I love you to the ends of the universe” “I love you so much baby peanut, you are my north star.” 

Your treatments were scheduled until the end of March. Though I feel a stab of pain each time I see an appointment we would never make, I am also afraid of turning the page to a new week and seeing nothing there. I think the answer here is to just keep writing you notes.

I love you ♥︎

Dear My Sweet Peanut Bean Queen Torby,

It’s been a week since I held you and told you you are the bravest and most beautiful soul I have ever known. I can’t lie: the days since have been filled with a surreal and indescribable pain. They say that grief is just love with nowhere to go and, well, I love you more than anything.

But I’ve also found comfort in the realization that so many others love you, too. You are so admired and treasured by people far and wide — even people who have never met you can tell that you are a once-on-this-earth being. Nothing makes me happier than to hear how beloved you are, and to hear how clear I make it to the world that I adore you.

I will continue to walk through life in your spirit. Living beautifully, accepting myself, protecting my energy while also treating those I love with gentleness and sweetness beyond compare. You embodied the “I don’t want to be in a situation for even an hour where I’m not enjoying myself” philosophy more than anyone. I will be asking myself “what would Torby do?” every day.

There is so much more to say that I don’t have the words for at the moment. I know our conversations will continue to evolve, even if they might look a little different now. For today, it’s a beautiful sunny morning and I feel you in the patches of light resting on my blanket.

I love you forever.

Your friend,

Katie

Dear Torby,

It’s a cold January afternoon. Though I am sitting at my desk and the work is piling up, there is nothing that feels more urgent than writing this post.

Despite being largely non-functional this week, in a lucid moment I decided to purchase the domain names “TorbyForever.com” and “QueenTorby.com” with the thought that a corner of the internet could become a refuge for all who know and love you (there are many, as you know).

I plan to build out this website with images and videos of you, artworks you have inspired, your Official Biography, and regular ruminations on your life and work.

I hope that all will join me in celebrating the sweetest queen there ever was.

xo,

Katie