Keeping Our Appointments

Dear Torby,

When you first got sick, I was admittedly devastated. There’s a reason people call cancer “the c word” — it’s difficult to even admit it’s real. At the same time, I knew I was ready to fight the cancer with everything I had — financially, spiritually, temporally, and so on.

You know as well as anyone that, when confronted with a task, I will begin plotting and planning until an airtight schedule has been formed. Your cancer was no exception. I leapt into action overnight, doing whatever was necessary to get your chemotherapy appointments scheduled as quickly as possible. Suddenly, all concerns for the appearances of desperation were dissolved. I will send an apologetic fruit basket when I need to reschedule a dentist appointment, but my spine was firmly in tact when it came to handling your care.

Early on a Monday morning, I sat ready with my Filofax planner and a pen. The veterinary hospital was on the phone, and they were rattling off weekly dates and times for your treatments. I scribbled them down, not minding the pre-existing meetings and commitments that would just have to be cancelled.

Now, each Monday I crack open my planner to examine the days ahead. First thing each Monday, is “Torby Chemo” in pink pen. In mid-February, I triumphantly wrote “week off!!” to celebrate the break you were to have from the weekly treatments. You didn’t make it to any of those appointments, after all. You didn’t get to enjoy your week off, either.

I could cross out these reminders, I guess. Neatly roll out a line of white-out tape over the sessions that never were. Instead, I’ve kept these appointments in place, adding notes next to them. At the start of a week, when I see this reminder, I take my pen and write a note to you, reminding you how much I love you. Reminding myself of the joy. “Torby forever! And ever!” “My sweet girl, I love you to the ends of the universe” “I love you so much baby peanut, you are my north star.” 

Your treatments were scheduled until the end of March. Though I feel a stab of pain each time I see an appointment we would never make, I am also afraid of turning the page to a new week and seeing nothing there. I think the answer here is to just keep writing you notes.

I love you ♥︎